The Moment: Ousting 'Mr. Popular'

Dear Anne Marie: I have been in my current position just under 3 months. I replaced a well-liked man who was moved into another position that is considered by many in the department to be a demotion. In addition to being the new kid on the block, I'm the bad guy who got Mr. Popular ousted. The work is great and I get along very well with my immediate supervisor. But I feel alienated by the rest of the team. Is there anything I can do to build rapport and gain the team's support?
    — Kevin G.

Dear Kevin: You are enthusiastic about your new position and eager to do a good job. Having successfully conquered your first hurdle—getting along with your supervisor—it might be tempting to give up on the team. Instead, you are seeking strategies to gain their support. Good for you!

Managing The Moment

The "Moment to Manage" is your feeling of hurt. Hurt feelings mean that you are taking the team's behavior personally. For three months now you have tolerated them snubbing you and you feel like the bad guy. It hurts and it feels personal, and yet it isn't. They would treat anyone in your position this way. It is time for you to don a thicker skin so you can take good care of yourself while being effective with others.

The Game Plan

First, be clear about why you want and value the team's support. You want their support because you must be a fully functioning team member in order to do your job well and happily. If you let the team's behavior interfere with your performance, your work, as well as the quality of your life at work, will suffer. You can't afford to let that happen.

Second, resist the urge to compete with 'Mr. Popular.' Consider that this is not a popularity contest; you are not trying to win the team over, or prove that you are a great guy. That will only alienate them more.

Third, be assertive and friendly. Offer your team your support; reach out to them from care rather than from needing to be included. Remember, this is business not kindergarten and their playground antics are unproductive for them as well as for you. Be kind and firm while holding a more mature attitude.

Finally, be patient and understanding. People are upset. They have lost a friend and associate you with that loss. They need time to adjust. Allow rapport to build slowly. If you let them warm up to you in their own time their acceptance of you will be genuine and lasting.