The Moment: Troubled Teenager

Dear Anne Marie: I am worried about my fifteen-year-old daughter, Sophie. Until a few months ago she was a friendly and outgoing girl. Now she is secretive, avoids family members and is hanging out with new friends. She even quit the soccer team – an activity she has always loved. I can't stop thinking about this. It is affecting my job, my marriage, and my whole life. What should I do?
   — Joan M.

Dear Joan:
You are a loving mother who is willing and wanting to be responsible for the proper care and upbringing of your daughter. You take the time to really observe her each day; thus, you are able to notice important changes in your daughter's demeanor. She is a very fortunate girl.

Managing The Moment

The "Moment to Manage" is your feeling of fear. Fear is an emotion designed to save our lives when danger is imminent. It shuts down our capacity to think, to reason and to make thoughtful decisions. Fear compels us to either fight or to run. Left unmanaged, fear will reduce your options to these two extremes: fighting with your daughter or burying your head in the sand, hoping the problem will go away. Neither works.

The Game Plan

First, don't go it alone! You and your husband need to team up together to help your daughter. If he is in deep denial or unwilling to help then talk with a friend or seek professional guidance. This is not the time to play "Super Mom" single-handedly saving the day. Get help!

Second, spell out the issue before you talk to your daughter. Don't sabotage your talk with Sophie by starting an emotional, "I am so upset…worried…frantic" conversation. What you want Sophie to address is her behavior, NOT your feelings. Manage your emotions and keep Sophie's behavior at center stage.

Third, get more information. The school counselor, Sophie's old friends or the parents of Sophie's old friends are potential allies to help you learn the facts about your daughter. Is Sophie really in trouble or is she just acting out?

Fourth, adopt a position and determine to hold to it. How are you going to respond to Sophie's behavior? What rules, guidelines or boundaries will you make? Initiate any changes from a place of "solid care" and then really mean business. Your credibility and Sophie's future depend on it.

Finally, stay invested in the rest of your life. Your life is bigger than this problem and if you forget that, the rest of your life will become a problem too! Go on dates with your husband, have fun with your other children and get out with your friends. You will help Sophie the most by remaining a whole person vs. becoming just a fragmented mother.