Dear Connie: It sounds like you are a patient, caring communicator; someone who really takes the time to listen when people talk to you. In today's fast-paced world of communication "sound bites" you are a rare treasure. Unfortunately, not everything people have to say is worth listening to. Your challenge is to learn when not to be such a great listener.

Managing The Moment

The "Moment to Manage" is your feeling of irritation. Like all negative or unpleasant emotions, the feeling of irritation inhibits your higher brain functioning. Negative emotions and "smart thinking" have an inverse relationship to each other. When negative emotions go up, "smart thinking" goes down. When negative emotions are managed, "smart thinking" stays intact, allowing you to more easily find creative, caring solutions to challenging problems.

The Game Plan

First, disengage yourself from her 'poor me' appeals. People watching TV often hit the mute button when commercials come on. Find your own "internal mute button" and hit it as soon as she begins to complain. Tune her out on purpose.

Second, stop talking. Your task is to respond to her without getting into a conversation. You will become a master at grunting, groaning, raised eyebrows and two word answers. A few examples: "Really", "How challenging", "Uh ha", "You think so?" "Oh my", "I see".

Third, accept the fact that she is not going to change. Your co-worker is caught up in the game of feeling sorry for herself. Self-pity has become her every day habit, one that she is comfortable with. You can choose not to play her game but you cannot change the game she plays; only she can do that.

Fourth, resist the impulse to judge her. While it may be understandable to criticize and judge her, this will only get in the way of your ability to work with her. Focus instead on her strengths and positive qualities.

Finally, maintain your boundaries over time. Your boundaries are your rules for being in relationship with you. Be consistent in communicating your rules by doggedly refusing to respond to 'poor me' appeals. With a little luck, she just might pick up her ball and go play somewhere else.